Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X