Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
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The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.