I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
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me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
💻🤡
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐