robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
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interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
File under excellent bookstore names.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs