Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
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Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
S/o to @funTweeters .
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes