*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
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Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter