The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
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inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*