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ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself