Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
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When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
If only.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.