My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
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Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴