4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
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Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir