As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
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[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My teenage children choosing violence
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.