My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
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“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
reduce, reuse, recycle
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I self medicate, therefore you live.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees