Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
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I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Merica.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap