Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
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I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.