It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
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Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet