My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
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I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”