“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
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No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
(yawn)
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.