There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
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Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Xylophonist Shredding It
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!