6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
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[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi