If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
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Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.