Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
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The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
😂🤣😂🤣
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!