Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
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“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Thinking about Jeff
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.