I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
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*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
my astrological sign is a french fry
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
work smarter, not harder
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
😅😅😅
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.