If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
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The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.