The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
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unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
LMAO.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.