INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
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My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.