Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
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once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
WHO DID THIS?
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.