Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
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COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.