I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
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I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
This is my cat’s medicine.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.