Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
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Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
honestly, i need both: