A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
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This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*