If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
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I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.