Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
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Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
i think both sides are to blame here
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name