ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
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Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”