Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
True statement👍😏😁
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!