How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
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Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.