You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
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Smallpox sounds so adorable
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old