son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
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[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.