Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
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*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it