Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
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I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
*eats only grass-fed donuts
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”