Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
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Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
This one’s “Alex”.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*