The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
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Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
馃槀馃槀
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
What the hell happened in there??
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what鈥檚 all this then
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.