🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
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cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Thursday Thought.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking