My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.