me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
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*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
this is literally a CIA plant
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.