My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
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For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.