I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
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nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit