ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
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me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
This is amazing.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Breaking news:
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
One of the best
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise