‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
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That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Hero horse inspires millions
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.